5m 17d 19h
I've been lost in thought lately. I feel as if I've gone down a rabbit hole and lost my bearings on directions. My dreams are slowly slipping away. My hopes the driftwood I cling to in order to keep my nose above the murky cold waters below. I realize if I simply let go the rocks below will hold me high enough to breathe. I'm just too afraid to let go! My eyes begin to release the salty pain inside my spirit and heart. Here is the thing no matter what I do, where I go, what I say to myself or successes I have my desire to die will always creep into my thoughts. I've made death my roommate and he's comfortable and refuses to leave.
Many reach out to me and ask how I stay so positive in this reality we live in. They adorn me with their admiration and praise. They attempt to obtain the secrets I keep inside me that propel this machine of blood, flesh, and fluid forward into the unknown future. They want to know where this smile on my face comes from. My answer is, I'm not positive, actually the opposite. I fight depression more often than I don't. The hardest part of each day is getting out of bed. I set a simple goal. Get up and get dressed. That's all. I accomplish my goal every day and by doing that I'm allowed to let the universe take me where it may. On a universal scale, I am insignificant. I do not attempt to stay off my negative emotions for I understand that they mean very little.
These trivial emotions are only meant for me. To focus on, to analyze and to take within to feed my compassion and understanding. Without these negative emotions, I would fall into a deep numbing comfort. I would take risks to feel alive. I may cut my flesh to feel alive. I may get in fights so others would inflict a welcomed pain that would remind me I'm alive. I may consume drugs that damage my relationships and crush my ambitions to silence the pain screaming and wailing inside of me. A pain that is only asking to be recognized and accepted.
I keep talking although another has already said it best:
On Pain
Kahlil Gibran
Your pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding.
Even as the stone of the fruit must break, that its heart may stand in the sun,
so must you know pain. And could you keep your heart in wonder at the daily miracles of your life,
your pain would not seem less wondrous than your joy;
And you would accept the seasons of your heart,
even as you have always accepted the seasons that pass over your fields.
And you would watch with serenity through the winters of your grief.
Much of your pain is self-chosen.
It is the bitter potion by which the physician within you heals your sick self.
Therefore trust the physician, and drink his remedy in silence and tranquillity:
For his hand, though heavy and hard, is guided by the tender hand of the Unseen,
And the cup he brings, though it burn your lips, has been fashioned of the clay which the Potter has moistened with His own sacred tears.
You must understand that although you are insignificant the entire universe was created for you to exist. For you to taste that sweet milky coffee the cow had to be born. The bean plants and sugar cane needed to be bathed with water and kissed by the sun. The soil created over centuries was created to feed these plants nutrients. Generations of people gave birth to the person that picked those beans, that cut that sugar cane, that milked that cow. Those billions of people needed to be feed in order to give birth to all those involved in the processes to bring you coffee, milk, and sugar. The universe exploded into complexity over billions of years to give birth to the sun that created the food to feed those countless numbers of ancestors. Your ancestors had to swallow their fears and ask others to dance with them in order for you to be here to taste this sweet, milky coffee. You see it was all created for you. Every single moment is a perfect culmination of infinite complexity. Now think how grateful you are to have that sweet, milky coffee dance on your tongue that was created through billions of years of evolution or that was crafted by the hand of a loving God.
I want you to pause now and replace sweet, milky coffee with agony. Yes, the universe fell into place or was designed perfectly for you to feel that pain and you are simply going to toss it into the trash? You are not grateful for the hard work of billions upon billions of organisms that sacrificed and gave their lives for you to feel pain? The pain that was designed for you to heal and become compassionate? The suffering that was meant for you to take within your mind and accept? Instead, you are going to spew that pain out at everyone around you? To do this would make you a knowledgeable adult that acts as a child and spits the dinner, your friend slaved over, out of your mouth and onto the floor. This suffering was designed for you alone to heal and create happiness, but remember this pain is nothing on a universal scale so you can handle it, I'm sure. You can gulp down hard and force that bite into your throat.
You now know my secret. I hope it helps you to gain compassion while you accept your pain and thank God or the Universe for that nasty dish that fuels your heart to love everyone you may know. Let this life grant you understanding that you do not suffer alone. That we all suffer. We do understand, but at the same time, we will never understand completely.
I Love You All
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