5m 4d 18h
My last 5-6 years has been horribly painfully wondrously enlightening, to say the least. Yesterday I saw a memory reminder from 5 years ago. It was a photo of my former wife and me when we visited New York. When we separated on our 17th-year anniversary in March of 2016 I was struck out of left field. I guess the easiest way to explain it was I was happily married a year and a half ago. I thought that I would never find a love like I had for her. It was impossible. the love was too deep, too intense. I had conceded to an epic search to find it once again. I had become comfortable with the idea that I may be alone while I grew old withered away and faded into darkness. Through this journey, I had found a love that was brighter and even more powerful. I had found a love for the most important person. I had found love for me.
I never gave up on the search for a partner with whom I could share my loving heart. I vowed to continue the search no matter the distance and no matter the obstacles. I have never really been one to be lucky when it came to gambling, games or even work. When it comes to love I have had extreme luck. My first love was a sweet girl when I was only 13. We were so attached and although it didn't last all that long it was intense. We would often be found hiding somewhere in the theater we were both acting at making out. We couldn't keep our hands off each other. With time and distance that faded as young sparks often do. My next great love starts shortly after I turned 18. This would last 17 years, almost half of my life. We grew together. We faced tidal waves and hurricanes together. Everything that was thrown at us only made us stronger. We were rarely found apart. I think back to it now and realize that most people that met me during that period only new me with her by my side. My love for her was vast and all encompassing. She was my world and it was the most beautiful world I had ever seen and at times, very few mind you, it was also the most painful feelings I had ever felt. We had become one and no one will ever understand me that way that she does, simply because she was there. I will never understand another the way I do her either.
So here I am shattered by my separation. Finally alive due to pure agony. Enjoying the journey. Loving everyone I came into contact with. Satisfied with the idea that I would not find another great love in this life time, but happy that I had found love within that could never be taken from me. Then she came along. It didn't start out as that bolt of lightening you hear about in the movies. Where boy meets girl and they instantly fall in love. It was more subtle. She was steady, compassionate, shy and secretly talented and brilliant. Like an artichoke, she becomes more delicious and soft as the layers were peeled away. We actually both started out not wanting to be in a relationship. We were just having fun and wanted to be in one another's company. When we defined the relationship I had noticed that she and I were both holding back. This was due to my heart now taking more timid steps after such a great fall and I'm assuming her heart giving up on the idea that real love exists.
I'm staring into her beautiful blue eyes completely wrapped up in the moment and I say to her "Fuck it, let's give it a try. I'd like to be monogamous". Afterall I had survived a great love I could survive anything. She said to me "Can I think about it". I laughed and said, of course, you can. Hours later as we laid in each other's arms she looked me dead in the eye piercing my spirit with her thoughts and simply said yes. I will never forget that moment. I can still see her face now. Here we go, my third great love has started.
Fast-forward 4 months later. We are living together. Our kids now intertwined. We are of a Brady Bunch size. We moved forward so quickly, so suddenly. Almost as if we both went to sleep and woke up to a dream. Of course, we have our moments of doubt. Can I trust him with my heart? Will she betray me? Is this going to last? The lessons of the past make us weary. I will say this. This is not the same kind of love I had with my former. It is better, stronger and steadier. I have never had someone in my life that had a greater vision of me than myself. She sees greatness within me and this causes a rift. She wants me to continue doing what I'm doing, but also she grows jealous at times of the fact that I can be child like and she has the burden of being the adult. The short term budget is stressful and she is bearing that weight. I'm an expert at juggling zero and conservative budget minded people have a difficult time staying with me on that roller coaster ride. I crave instability and chaos. I find it beautiful and inspiring. Those that crave stability and comfort may not be able to handle this side of me.
Here is what I have to say about that. I alone am not great, just stale water sitting in a pool gathering dust and becoming murky. She without me becomes barren and boring. A flat land that is desolate and lifeless. We are the yin and yang. I'm water, she is the rock. At times forces may crash us against one another. She longs for my cooling embrace and I long for her ability to hold me in place as the sun lifts me into the air. Together we create beauty that lasts and all can enjoy. I carve out canyons in her soul with my tears that feed the beautiful seeds that lay within her. This is nothing like my last love because we had been one. With my new greatest love, we can create happiness in many, because we hold keys that the other does not. We will cause each other stress and the force of my waves may break her completely. When she is burning and all her dreams are becoming ash above her out of her reach my tears will fall to soothe her. She will catch me and hold me when I am moving too fast or endlessly falling through the cold winds. She holds me allowing me to flow gently and softly over the obstacles that we face. She is my support, my rock, my greatest love. My only wish is that I don't drown her in the depth of my ocean and that her quakes don't push her up to heights above my reach.
I Love You All
My last 5-6 years has been horribly painfully wondrously enlightening, to say the least. Yesterday I saw a memory reminder from 5 years ago. It was a photo of my former wife and me when we visited New York. When we separated on our 17th-year anniversary in March of 2016 I was struck out of left field. I guess the easiest way to explain it was I was happily married a year and a half ago. I thought that I would never find a love like I had for her. It was impossible. the love was too deep, too intense. I had conceded to an epic search to find it once again. I had become comfortable with the idea that I may be alone while I grew old withered away and faded into darkness. Through this journey, I had found a love that was brighter and even more powerful. I had found a love for the most important person. I had found love for me.
I never gave up on the search for a partner with whom I could share my loving heart. I vowed to continue the search no matter the distance and no matter the obstacles. I have never really been one to be lucky when it came to gambling, games or even work. When it comes to love I have had extreme luck. My first love was a sweet girl when I was only 13. We were so attached and although it didn't last all that long it was intense. We would often be found hiding somewhere in the theater we were both acting at making out. We couldn't keep our hands off each other. With time and distance that faded as young sparks often do. My next great love starts shortly after I turned 18. This would last 17 years, almost half of my life. We grew together. We faced tidal waves and hurricanes together. Everything that was thrown at us only made us stronger. We were rarely found apart. I think back to it now and realize that most people that met me during that period only new me with her by my side. My love for her was vast and all encompassing. She was my world and it was the most beautiful world I had ever seen and at times, very few mind you, it was also the most painful feelings I had ever felt. We had become one and no one will ever understand me that way that she does, simply because she was there. I will never understand another the way I do her either.
So here I am shattered by my separation. Finally alive due to pure agony. Enjoying the journey. Loving everyone I came into contact with. Satisfied with the idea that I would not find another great love in this life time, but happy that I had found love within that could never be taken from me. Then she came along. It didn't start out as that bolt of lightening you hear about in the movies. Where boy meets girl and they instantly fall in love. It was more subtle. She was steady, compassionate, shy and secretly talented and brilliant. Like an artichoke, she becomes more delicious and soft as the layers were peeled away. We actually both started out not wanting to be in a relationship. We were just having fun and wanted to be in one another's company. When we defined the relationship I had noticed that she and I were both holding back. This was due to my heart now taking more timid steps after such a great fall and I'm assuming her heart giving up on the idea that real love exists.
I'm staring into her beautiful blue eyes completely wrapped up in the moment and I say to her "Fuck it, let's give it a try. I'd like to be monogamous". Afterall I had survived a great love I could survive anything. She said to me "Can I think about it". I laughed and said, of course, you can. Hours later as we laid in each other's arms she looked me dead in the eye piercing my spirit with her thoughts and simply said yes. I will never forget that moment. I can still see her face now. Here we go, my third great love has started.
Fast-forward 4 months later. We are living together. Our kids now intertwined. We are of a Brady Bunch size. We moved forward so quickly, so suddenly. Almost as if we both went to sleep and woke up to a dream. Of course, we have our moments of doubt. Can I trust him with my heart? Will she betray me? Is this going to last? The lessons of the past make us weary. I will say this. This is not the same kind of love I had with my former. It is better, stronger and steadier. I have never had someone in my life that had a greater vision of me than myself. She sees greatness within me and this causes a rift. She wants me to continue doing what I'm doing, but also she grows jealous at times of the fact that I can be child like and she has the burden of being the adult. The short term budget is stressful and she is bearing that weight. I'm an expert at juggling zero and conservative budget minded people have a difficult time staying with me on that roller coaster ride. I crave instability and chaos. I find it beautiful and inspiring. Those that crave stability and comfort may not be able to handle this side of me.
Here is what I have to say about that. I alone am not great, just stale water sitting in a pool gathering dust and becoming murky. She without me becomes barren and boring. A flat land that is desolate and lifeless. We are the yin and yang. I'm water, she is the rock. At times forces may crash us against one another. She longs for my cooling embrace and I long for her ability to hold me in place as the sun lifts me into the air. Together we create beauty that lasts and all can enjoy. I carve out canyons in her soul with my tears that feed the beautiful seeds that lay within her. This is nothing like my last love because we had been one. With my new greatest love, we can create happiness in many, because we hold keys that the other does not. We will cause each other stress and the force of my waves may break her completely. When she is burning and all her dreams are becoming ash above her out of her reach my tears will fall to soothe her. She will catch me and hold me when I am moving too fast or endlessly falling through the cold winds. She holds me allowing me to flow gently and softly over the obstacles that we face. She is my support, my rock, my greatest love. My only wish is that I don't drown her in the depth of my ocean and that her quakes don't push her up to heights above my reach.
I Love You All
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