Do you ever get that feeling like you forgot something important? The anxiety builds and builds as you struggle to remember what it was. It becomes harder to breathe and you are absolutely useless. Even the idea of cleaning your room seems tiresome. This is how I've been feeling lately. I know I'm made for great things. I know my mind is unique and full of ideas that could change the world. I inspire many with my words and my writing. I'm capable of piecing together complex systems of social events. But, something keeps nagging at me. Like a scream from far away barely audible with the distance. Something bad is happening and I won't be able to get there in time. I feel an impending doom. A dark cloud lingers overhead. There is noise all around me, but I hear nothing.
I feel like sleeping constantly, but get upset with myself when I don't accomplish my goals. I've tried setting small goals. Such as fold the laundry or do the dishes. Even these tasks seem daunting and pointless. I feel as if I'm living in a world of gray and the colors are never coming back. That the longer I stay in this place the more I'll lose. The happiness I appear to have is for the benefits of others. I mask my deep sadness with a smile. I know they feel it. I've become the energy drain. A black hole where dreams go to die. The ones that hold to me do so with the false promise of better tomorrows. Everyone around me becomes ill, tired and complacent. They listen to my blabbering mind full of nonsense and improbabilities.
I've gone to far. I fear I will never know happiness again. Joy as foreign as the distant star. I can see it, but alas I will never hold it. It fills me with a dark painful stomach ache watching as those that love me most suffer, because they are trying to make me happy. I see them fighting the useless fight of helping me find purpose in a pointless, hopeless world. I fear this battle has been lost my friends and family. You show me happiness, joy and purpose and I in turn provide depression, darkness and agony. I'm slowing eating away at all the energy around me. I'm pulling you down into my depths and I hate myself even more for doing so.
I use to think I had finally found the key. I loved me and the person I was. I enjoyed the company I kept and what I was doing. Now none of that seems to matter. My efforts have been in vain. I've lost ambition and I find that I'm self sabotaging everything I work on. I know the plans and ideas are good if executed, but when it comes time to execute I'm pushed into darkness. Sometimes it feels as if blowing out the candle on my flame is the only reasonable idea. I should kill my dreams and slip into a darkness where no one will find me. Better they think I'm dead and gone than to have them worry for my withering mind. As always those it would hurt most to leave behind are what keep me tethered to this reality. They are my life line. The only reason I remain. They appear to love me, but I can't help but think I'm causing more harm than good in their worlds. I feel they would have a brighter future without me in it.
So here I sit lost, lonely and forlorn. I have no idea where to step next. The darkness is blocking my path and I fear the next step will drop me off a cliff, so why, oh why do I keep walking forward into the darkness. The light I once knew is gone and I pray that those that believe in me hold on, but at the same time I wish they would let me go. You see I've been dead for years now. I don't actually exist in this reality. I am but an echo that once was called Jacob. This echo without an end. Stuck in a dark ball walking in place.
You are probably waiting for the optimist to kick in? Sorry, but I don't know where it is.
I love you all
I feel like sleeping constantly, but get upset with myself when I don't accomplish my goals. I've tried setting small goals. Such as fold the laundry or do the dishes. Even these tasks seem daunting and pointless. I feel as if I'm living in a world of gray and the colors are never coming back. That the longer I stay in this place the more I'll lose. The happiness I appear to have is for the benefits of others. I mask my deep sadness with a smile. I know they feel it. I've become the energy drain. A black hole where dreams go to die. The ones that hold to me do so with the false promise of better tomorrows. Everyone around me becomes ill, tired and complacent. They listen to my blabbering mind full of nonsense and improbabilities.
I've gone to far. I fear I will never know happiness again. Joy as foreign as the distant star. I can see it, but alas I will never hold it. It fills me with a dark painful stomach ache watching as those that love me most suffer, because they are trying to make me happy. I see them fighting the useless fight of helping me find purpose in a pointless, hopeless world. I fear this battle has been lost my friends and family. You show me happiness, joy and purpose and I in turn provide depression, darkness and agony. I'm slowing eating away at all the energy around me. I'm pulling you down into my depths and I hate myself even more for doing so.
I use to think I had finally found the key. I loved me and the person I was. I enjoyed the company I kept and what I was doing. Now none of that seems to matter. My efforts have been in vain. I've lost ambition and I find that I'm self sabotaging everything I work on. I know the plans and ideas are good if executed, but when it comes time to execute I'm pushed into darkness. Sometimes it feels as if blowing out the candle on my flame is the only reasonable idea. I should kill my dreams and slip into a darkness where no one will find me. Better they think I'm dead and gone than to have them worry for my withering mind. As always those it would hurt most to leave behind are what keep me tethered to this reality. They are my life line. The only reason I remain. They appear to love me, but I can't help but think I'm causing more harm than good in their worlds. I feel they would have a brighter future without me in it.
So here I sit lost, lonely and forlorn. I have no idea where to step next. The darkness is blocking my path and I fear the next step will drop me off a cliff, so why, oh why do I keep walking forward into the darkness. The light I once knew is gone and I pray that those that believe in me hold on, but at the same time I wish they would let me go. You see I've been dead for years now. I don't actually exist in this reality. I am but an echo that once was called Jacob. This echo without an end. Stuck in a dark ball walking in place.
You are probably waiting for the optimist to kick in? Sorry, but I don't know where it is.
I love you all
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