Wow, I was in a dark space writing yesterday. I've been considering a lot of things and been trying to figure out what to do with my future. I stepped out of the flow and guess what it caused pain. No surprise there right. My predictions seem to get in the way, but my mindfulness tends to lead me to be penny less. It seems as if I'm in a no-win situation. So, here is what I'm going to do. I'm going to go over everything in my life and the options I have with each. This sounds like I'm getting out of the flow and predicting again, but what I'm going to do is be mindful and say what I want to happen in each.
My Children
Options
My Children
Options
- Give former full custody and leave
- Give former weekdays and become a weekend warrior
- Keep my boys 50% of the time
These are my options and when I ask myself what I want it's easy. I want them 50% of the time and I want to return to the days I could provide for them with ease. Where I could simply go shopping and buy whatever I wanted to buy for them.
My Girlfriend
Options
- Leave her
- Keep going the way we are
- Propose marriage
- Be in an open relationship
This one is a little more difficult when I ask myself what I want. You see I was in a long-term relationship only a year and a half ago. I enjoyed being single, not because I enjoyed sleeping around, but I enjoyed the freedom of being selfish and only thinking of myself and what I wanted. I know my girlfriend deserves marriage and commitment. I know that's what she desires or claims to desire, but what do I really want. I ask myself and it becomes clear I want a combination of options. I want what we first had when we started dating. You see neither of us had committed to the other and we made it very clear that we didn't want a relationship. Now, I'm not saying that is what I want. Not at all. What I want is an open relationship where we both are free to explore, but neither of us chooses to do so. I want a relationship where our individual desires are more important than the relationship. This may not be a reasonable request and would it work? I'm not sure, but it's what I truly want. I guess it goes back to not wanting to be needed, but wanting to be wanted. The strain in our relationship lately I believe comes from my needing her support monetarily. She has been the support in order for me to pursue my dreams. I've seen the stress this has caused and it is pushing us apart. She is unable to support us completely and I understand this and don't expect otherwise from her. I believe what I want and what she wants is to be able to return to individuals with the same goal in mind. We have become too intertwined. I'm only stating what I want here, the solution will have to present itself because I have no idea how to obtain it. I'll have to leave this one in the hands of the unseen. For now, I know I want her, but I want to not need her and I don't want her to be required to be with me. I want her to choose to be with me.
Work
Options
- Keep producing shows
- Develop my apps
- Start working as a business consultant
- Go back to school
- Keep trying to sell CRM systems
- Keep trying to sell Branding & Marketing
- Continue at Chruch & State Academy
- Start selling a friends product
- Go work construction
- Find a regular job
So many options. How does one choose between them? This one is almost impossible. You see because the first two are affected greatly by this. How do you make a decision on what to do for work without trying to predict the future? I love producing shows. My passion is there, but the money is not. I believe developing the apps I have will have a positive effect on the World. That's a prediction and not allowed here. I enjoy the concepts of creating the apps, but I don't know how to effectively make a living doing so. I enjoy solving problems and that is what a business consultant does. If I do this I could keep selling CRM systems, Branding, and Marketing. I could also start selling the product my friend wants me to sell. I actually enjoy doing these things because I believe in the products. My issue is I don't know an effective way to generate leads. Construction would be nice because it's mindless and natural exercise. Not completely mindless, but I can leave it at work and not bring it home. I would love to go back to school and learn. I enjoy learning new concepts and exploring the studies of others. I just don't think this would take care of any short-term problems. Find a regular job. I really don't want that. I don't like the inflexibility of schedule and the idea of not creating. Alright so in a perfect world where I get everything I want. I would be the superhero that is a business consultant by day, produces shows at night and attends school in a third dimension that doesn't have time limits. Shit, I don't know what to do here. I think this may be the real issue I have. I need to figure out what the hell I want to be. I also forgot to mention writing and blogging. No wonder I feel overwhelmed I'm taking on more than I can handle.
Conclusion
Now what? I think it's clear I need to decide on what to do for money. Oh boy, it always comes back to money. I need to get over my past with money. I need to become friends with one I once deemed my enemy. I need to love money for what she can do. She can be an energy of creation. A force to provide my children shelter, food, and clothing. Life is far more entertaining with her than without her. Alright, the next step is determined I want money. Above everything else, money is what I want. I want to be free of debt. I want the freedom that money provides. I want to look at a nice car and have the ability to purchase it, but choose to invest that money in building a better future instead. I want to be able to change people's lives if I deem their ideas worthy. Here we go let's get that money train rolling, but be mindful to make the money in a way I deem entertaining. I'm going to blog and write as a hobby. I'm going to start a consulting business and limit the number of shows I work on. I will work on apps part-time. I'm going to keep doing these until one becomes my money maker and then I will drop the others.
After Speaking to My Mentor
I need to focus. The biggest issue I face is short-term needs. Housing, food, clothing, and entertainment for my family. With this in mind, I'm going to hyper-focus on CRM systems. It's currently the most promising and I can really get behind it. I will focus on CRM so much that I'll become the local expert. I may revisit all the other things, but for now I'm going to be the CRM king of Salt Lake City.
I Love You All
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