Post after post simply stating "Me Too". It's staggering and disheartening just how many people have suffered through sexual assault, harassment, and abuse. This doesn't even begin to explain the depths of this monstrous chain. This dirty filthy snake that has weaved its way into the fabric of our world through our ancestral silence. Many are still suffering in silence and many have blocked the memory so well that they don't remember.
I was abused, tortured, raped, drugged and devalued. The brutality of my story caused my mind to block the memories for 25 years. I know this sounds crazy. Those horrible things can happen and you could block them out. The best way to explain it is watching what the nervous system does with extreme physical pain. Eventual it will block the receptors. Mental anguish is the same. You may think this is good, but the emotional self-doesn't forget. The wiring inside the brain creating boundaries gets destroyed or hazy. You are pushed into a realm of shame, depression, anxiety and constant fight or flight. On top of that, you have no idea why. I'm happy my brain did this. It allowed me to survive, but the cost of survival was heavy.
The heaviest cost of all was repeating these actions and sexually abusing a young girl when I was 13-15 years old. I carried an even deeper shame for this. I could never explain why I did what I did, so the only explanation I had was that I was a horrible human being. Shame and guilt were effective in getting me to never repeat again. For that, I am grateful to those emotions. The explanation for my inexcusable actions would go unknown for two decades.
Eventual the mind decides it's strong enough to face the demons laying within your past. The dark beasts snarling and gnashing their teeth with eyes of fire. The road back to living and fully experiencing life is long and filled with self-doubt, possible insanity, and extreme pain. All I can say is that it is worth it. Once you start you begin to see the power within yourself. You start to like the person you are and eventually, you love the person you are. You will come so far down the exhausting trail and you will grow a thankfulness for the journey and what it has provided for you. The compassion and forgiveness for others allow you to love them all. Even the ones that hurt you and defiled you in the first place. This love and compassion starts within and overflows out to others.
I say do not fear the journey. Take the first step into discovering the truth about your past. You will ultimately find love. Speak up about your pains. You see the reason this snake has become so strong and so entrenched in our lives and society is because of silence. Those suffering have become isolated and alone. Those who suffered the worst have often times repeated and continued to feed the snake new victims for its feast. Breaking the silence will break the chain and will make a better future for our children and their children. Let's stop numbing and sedating our emotions. Let's finally live and exist. From the wise words of my deceased father, "I never said the road home would be easy, I only said it would be glorious".
I Love You All
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