So many emotions rush through me as I consider the meaning of the word Father. Like a shadow it's uniquely yours and will never leave you. I consider first what it means to me to be a Father. I still feel as if I'm a child, but I've been granted the honor and burden of raising three young boys. What is my duty as a Father? Is it to be present and make sure my children simply survive into adulthood? Is it my duty to make sure they get what they desire? Am I responsible for their happiness? The greatest quote I every heard on Fatherhood is from the Dad in Anne Frank's Diary "I can not lead you I can only point the direction and hope you follow" I may be paraphrasing here. The hardest part of being a Father or even a parent is watching as your children live. Life after all is suffering and I can't help but feel responsible for bringing three conscious beings into suffering. For what reason do we become parents? Honestly, I think I did because that is what society dictated. I don't regret becoming a Father. My children are the only reason I didn't become the red paint on the front of a Trax train. They are the reason I survived. If they hadn't been here I wouldn't have stayed. Now I'm happy to be alive. I find wonderment in my joys and pains. I'm grateful to be alive. If I had a chance to start over from 18 years old I wouldn't change anything. I couldn't imagine not seeing the love in the blue eyes of my heart, hearing the sweetness from garbled mouth of my mind or the feel of my soul's tiny sticky fingers grasping onto mine as if nothing else mattered.
Growing up the word Father brought with it a mixture of joy and pain. You see my Father was only with me for 9 years. Even as a 36 year old man I'll be watching a character on TV speak of their father and I will choke up and my eyes will begin to water. I recall some great times with my Father. He would pretend to be his identical twin brother uncle itchy. He would do crazy things like donuts in the road. He would always have us keep the secret that he kissed our Mom from our Dad. I recall the love my Father had for my Mom. When he would come back from a trip and enter our house no one existed for the next five minutes except my Mom. No matter the amount of pants pulling or how many times you'd say Daddy. I learned to love a woman from my Dad ignoring everything and showing love to my Mom in those moments. It wasn't all good my Father was consumed with religion. It may have been his demise since he didn't try traditional medicine to survive his cancer. I was sitting and speaking with my children one night and they asked about my Dad and how he died. After explaining I paused. I realized something. I said to my boys "I'm happy my Dad died". They laughed awkwardly and said why would you be happy your Dad died. I responded "Because if my Dad hadn't died you three wouldn't exist. I would have lived in Spring City and never met your Mother. You see life can only be understood in reverse, but we must live it in a forward motion". I often look at this moment when I'm having a hard time in life. It reminds me that everything has a purpose and we may not realize it for thirty years, but one day we will see the purpose.
To me a Father represents any man who had a hand in creating the man writing these words. My brothers who battled through childhood sorrows from losing a Father together. They teased me relentlessly, but if they hadn't I wouldn't be the rock I am today. I would still rely on other's opinions to define me. They all at times showed me love even when they disagreed with me. My brothers and I have a bound that is deeper than the Oceans. My step Father, who was a dictator when I was a child. He was very angry trying to make sure he raised children to be decent and kind adults. As an adult I've realized just how incredible and insightful he is. He was the first to notice my deep depression. He saw past my fake mask and asked me in a tone of concern if I was alright. I did cry that time, smiled a little and said not really. Having someone else see it so plainly made me feel noticed and cared for. I have so many Fathers in my life. From business associates that take me to lunch after hearing about my brother's death to make sure I'm okay or guy friends who sit through my annoying rants and hug me as I try to hold my life together. My old manager from work that I call anytime my world is spinning. He is my rock and brings me back to reality. He reminds me that I have greatness inside of me. Although my Father left me when I was young. I have so many Fathers in my life and I want to thank them all. I love you brothers, friends, associates, my many Fathers.
I Love You All
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