This is not ever an easy day for me. I remember you teaching me to shave in my 30s after I told you I wished Dad had been there for that. My cheeks and neck have been so much smoother since. Spending the day getting high with you as we explored Genola and the Nutty Putty Caves. I felt wanted and a part of the crew that time. It's one of my favorite memories. You half smile and goofy laugh when half your face was paralyzed. The night the truck got stuck at the cabin and you made a torch and we spent hours in the freezing snow twilight attempting to remove it from it's cage. The fight you got in with your wife after and in her fury of packing up and leaving us all there stranded she asked you for money for gas and coffee. Still to this day one of the funniest things I've heard "You know what bitch you might as well suck my dick". I like to pretend that you are simply still avoiding us living your life down in Springville with your wife and 3 kids. The hole left from your vacancy will never be filled. Our family hasn't been the same since. There is a little pain behind every laugh. A sting in every smile. Agony behind our eyes. Our sorrows are deeper now. The nights are longer and the sunset less welcoming. I'm just now waking from the shock of the news. That you, your kids and yes even your wife are gone. That we will never see you again.
I remember you screaming in my face "Wake Up" every time I closed my eyes after you left us. I can still see your small mindful loving smile when I woke up. God I wish you could be here or I had awoken earlier to help bear some of that load you carried. I've only been dealing with it for a little over a year and it's so difficult alone. I know why you never told me. I would assume it would be better to forget as well and not want to hurt you with the truth if the roles had been reversed. I do remember sitting in your living room and saying I think I was molested. I remember the excitement in your eyes and the nod of your head. Finally someone to speak to of this. Someone that had been there and could help you carry the load of shame and guilt. To help process these memories and assure you that you are not insane that it is in fact true.
You were the gentlest amongst us. Your heart knew no bounds. I'm happy we got you as long as we did. I hope you finally had the discussion with Dad that you tried to have in your dream. Give him a big hug from me bro. I love you and miss you all the time. It doesn't get easier and every time I think of you it feels as if I'm saying goodbye again. I see you in our family when they smile and make goofy faces. It use to be so playful and fun. Now it's painful and fun, but such is how life has become.
Readers: Sorry no quitting today. The smell reminds me of him and I can't let that go, not today, but soon.
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