4m 18d 20h
You see there is something about waking up and the disappointment of not dying in your sleep that follows. My life is wondrous. I have many friends. People that care deeply for me and love me. Beautiful children who need me in their lives. I even have people that want me but don't need me. This is the struggle, no matter the hurdles I climb, the mountains I conquer, the new friends I make, the love I gain, the accolades I receive, all my successes, the people I help, I just can't seem to find what I desire the most. You may be wondering what is it I desire? Strangely I desire nothing an ending. I desire for something to be finished. This infinite loop I've spun around over and over and over. I want it to end. I want off this beautiful awe inspiring nightmare we call life. Either that or I simply want what was lost almost three decades ago.
I see what I lost in the eyes of children playing. They bounce around carefree. They are happy and joyful. By not knowing about this world they know the true key, but how do you unlearn that which you know. How do you take back that moment you look in the mirror and realize you are now responsible for you? Everything that has happened and will happen is your fault. I'm not ashamed of the things I've done. I don't regret the things that were done to me. I simply just want to forget and live in the moment. Forget my name, forget about what could have been, forget the bills I have to pay, forget the people I love, forget everything, so that I can finally taste the breath of this second right now, right here.
This never ending loop sucks the energy out of me. It makes me hopeless. Any attempt I make seem to change nothing. I've accepted my pains. I've cried my river. Must I bleed my rivers as well? I make all these wonderful plans, ones to heal the world. Alas, plans are pointless until we can all let go. Life never turns out how you plan, so why keep planning? What is the point of a dream, if that dream is unobtainable?
This last weekend I made something happen that I said was impossible. You would think that would invigorate me, make me ready to continue. Actually, I felt empty. I have an ability to not see boundaries to envision a project without limits. Some would call this a blessing or a gift. I call it a curse. I would prefer to work the dirt mindlessly. With the only goal to feed, house and clothe my family. This is where I fail. My head stuck in the clouds, my feet unable to feel the grass between my toes. I'm so focused on the dream, the plan, that I'm unable to sustain my base and thus the tower comes crumbling down and everything falls apart around me. I find the simplest tasks impossible, but the impossible tasks easy.
So here I am laying in bed awake again. This is my depression, my downfall, my lack of motivation. That no matter how hard I work, no matter how far I run, No matter how much I love, I will never forget and it will never end. The book will never be finished. All I can do is wake up, dream and make pointless plans. Can someone please just tell me what to do next. I really don't want to think anymore. Tell me where to go. What to do. Tell me exactly what I am and if there is a point to it because sitting up on this cloud looking down at my tiny ant like body. I see the futility. I see how insignificant I am, so why would I have these seemingly large impossible significant dreams and visions? What is the purpose of it? Is it a cruel joke? Is it a lie I hold to? Am I unwilling to accept that I am actually insignificant? I want for nothing. All I ask is that my children are taken care of and that it seems is the hardest thing for me to accomplish.
I Love You All
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You see there is something about waking up and the disappointment of not dying in your sleep that follows. My life is wondrous. I have many friends. People that care deeply for me and love me. Beautiful children who need me in their lives. I even have people that want me but don't need me. This is the struggle, no matter the hurdles I climb, the mountains I conquer, the new friends I make, the love I gain, the accolades I receive, all my successes, the people I help, I just can't seem to find what I desire the most. You may be wondering what is it I desire? Strangely I desire nothing an ending. I desire for something to be finished. This infinite loop I've spun around over and over and over. I want it to end. I want off this beautiful awe inspiring nightmare we call life. Either that or I simply want what was lost almost three decades ago.
I see what I lost in the eyes of children playing. They bounce around carefree. They are happy and joyful. By not knowing about this world they know the true key, but how do you unlearn that which you know. How do you take back that moment you look in the mirror and realize you are now responsible for you? Everything that has happened and will happen is your fault. I'm not ashamed of the things I've done. I don't regret the things that were done to me. I simply just want to forget and live in the moment. Forget my name, forget about what could have been, forget the bills I have to pay, forget the people I love, forget everything, so that I can finally taste the breath of this second right now, right here.
This never ending loop sucks the energy out of me. It makes me hopeless. Any attempt I make seem to change nothing. I've accepted my pains. I've cried my river. Must I bleed my rivers as well? I make all these wonderful plans, ones to heal the world. Alas, plans are pointless until we can all let go. Life never turns out how you plan, so why keep planning? What is the point of a dream, if that dream is unobtainable?
This last weekend I made something happen that I said was impossible. You would think that would invigorate me, make me ready to continue. Actually, I felt empty. I have an ability to not see boundaries to envision a project without limits. Some would call this a blessing or a gift. I call it a curse. I would prefer to work the dirt mindlessly. With the only goal to feed, house and clothe my family. This is where I fail. My head stuck in the clouds, my feet unable to feel the grass between my toes. I'm so focused on the dream, the plan, that I'm unable to sustain my base and thus the tower comes crumbling down and everything falls apart around me. I find the simplest tasks impossible, but the impossible tasks easy.
So here I am laying in bed awake again. This is my depression, my downfall, my lack of motivation. That no matter how hard I work, no matter how far I run, No matter how much I love, I will never forget and it will never end. The book will never be finished. All I can do is wake up, dream and make pointless plans. Can someone please just tell me what to do next. I really don't want to think anymore. Tell me where to go. What to do. Tell me exactly what I am and if there is a point to it because sitting up on this cloud looking down at my tiny ant like body. I see the futility. I see how insignificant I am, so why would I have these seemingly large impossible significant dreams and visions? What is the purpose of it? Is it a cruel joke? Is it a lie I hold to? Am I unwilling to accept that I am actually insignificant? I want for nothing. All I ask is that my children are taken care of and that it seems is the hardest thing for me to accomplish.
I Love You All
Oh the bad days. I feel those my brother.
ReplyDeleteI think it may be time for you to set your make it happen abilities to something else. The best advice I could give is to get far far outside of your life so you can take a look from the outside. People can explain all day long but you can't even imagine what it looks like when your in it. It's kind of like being under water and thinking you know what the surface looks like from above.
I can't say it will get better, I don't know if it does (although I'm working on that too)
You are right. Your loved, capable and amazing.
Why don't you see if you can do an extreme action like move to India or some other similar third world country with your kids (yes with them). These types of life trips seem to be one of the foundations for the people that don't dwell on the bleakness of life like we do.
I'm sure you could make it happen. Might be something to consider.
Love you brother.
I've considered it. My former will never let me take my boys. I've also fallen in love with an amazing woman. I've highly considered taking off for a year and coming back to see what really matters.
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