1m 12d 9h Saved: -$27.78
Circulation: 50% Coughs & Wheezing: 30%
Risk of Heart Attack: 2.32% Empathy: 75%
I had a couple of conversations with my former over the last few days and I thought of something interesting I'm going to attempt exploring. She seems to get upset when I say she "Threw me out". I paused at this for a moment as I drove by the apartment I lived in when I was 18. The one her and I fell in love in. It was the location where we first made love. Where the power got shut off, because even with seven teenagers living there we still couldn't afford to pay our bills. Where my brother's stereo got stolen and in our naive attempts to figure out who it was we almost got in a fight. Where I broke my friends collarbone. That being the only time we woke up our downstairs neighbors. Playing Smash Brothers on the N64 until the sun came up. I have so many memories of that first year out on my own. The year I fell in love with my former.
I thought about all these incredible memories I had with her. She and I had been through so much together. We witnessed the birth of our three children. We cried and held each other when my brother and his family passed. We experienced growing up in each other's arms. Two teenagers started on a beautiful long journey in that apartment. One that would change them forever. We shared are darkest secrets, our wildest dreams and our most awkward moments together. We became one spirit exploring life and it was hard to tell her thoughts from my own. I doubt anyone will ever understand us quite the way we understand each other. Simply because we were there.
I contemplated why she seemed to get angry when I said "Threw me out". It was as if she almost doubted that was what happened. Then I realized she didn't throw me out in her mind. Even she could never throw me out. It is what happened in that moment on our seventh anniversary in an oddly warm March, but it wasn't just that moment. I thought about what it took for her to get to that point. Whether or not I agree with her motives it doesn't matter. She had been pushed to the point of giving up on the greatest love she had ever experienced. The agony she felt out weighted the love she had. The desperation she must have felt was overwhelming her. This typically timid shy girl. That would have me call service providers, because she was too filled with social anxiety. She had enough. Enough to say goodbye and drive me away from her. Call it madness. Call it wrong. Call it what you will. I know her better. This took bravery. It took strength. She watched as I clung to my children crying at her to not get rid of me and to look at what she was doing to our family. Even on that day she could not look me in the eye and say she didn't love me. She did love me. Her mind couldn't give her a valid reason to get rid of me. She was in pain and was so desperate to relieve the pressure building in her chest. She had attempted everything she could think of to remove her aguish. The only option left was to remove me.
She didn't throw me out. She took a brave amazing step to find an end to her suffering. I know you read my blog and I want you to know that I know you. I understand now. Just how hard that was for you. I'm sorry my agony blinded me to see what was going on at that time. I should have used more empathy. My selfish pain consumed me. I want to thank you for being my best friend, the mother of our three insightfully brilliant children and my lover. It's not a surprise that our relationship ended with me lacking empathy once more. I look back on our time together and I know I rarely saw life from your point of view. I apologize for being so one sided. Thank you for everything. I will always love you even though we can never be together again. Thank you for my pain that created my vast depth of empathy and compassion. If you ever doubt your decision I want you to remember I would not be half the man I am today if you hadn't been my wife and if you hadn't pointed out that we were simply holding on to something incredible that was now gone. You will always be my first great love. I'd like to think in a different dimension we worked out and that those two are on their way to retiring on a beach in Tortola. Farewell my first love. I wish you all the best in this wondrous new adventure of self discovery.
I Love You All
Photo Credit: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RdWnIZQDVj4
Circulation: 50% Coughs & Wheezing: 30%
Risk of Heart Attack: 2.32% Empathy: 75%
I had a couple of conversations with my former over the last few days and I thought of something interesting I'm going to attempt exploring. She seems to get upset when I say she "Threw me out". I paused at this for a moment as I drove by the apartment I lived in when I was 18. The one her and I fell in love in. It was the location where we first made love. Where the power got shut off, because even with seven teenagers living there we still couldn't afford to pay our bills. Where my brother's stereo got stolen and in our naive attempts to figure out who it was we almost got in a fight. Where I broke my friends collarbone. That being the only time we woke up our downstairs neighbors. Playing Smash Brothers on the N64 until the sun came up. I have so many memories of that first year out on my own. The year I fell in love with my former.
I thought about all these incredible memories I had with her. She and I had been through so much together. We witnessed the birth of our three children. We cried and held each other when my brother and his family passed. We experienced growing up in each other's arms. Two teenagers started on a beautiful long journey in that apartment. One that would change them forever. We shared are darkest secrets, our wildest dreams and our most awkward moments together. We became one spirit exploring life and it was hard to tell her thoughts from my own. I doubt anyone will ever understand us quite the way we understand each other. Simply because we were there.
I contemplated why she seemed to get angry when I said "Threw me out". It was as if she almost doubted that was what happened. Then I realized she didn't throw me out in her mind. Even she could never throw me out. It is what happened in that moment on our seventh anniversary in an oddly warm March, but it wasn't just that moment. I thought about what it took for her to get to that point. Whether or not I agree with her motives it doesn't matter. She had been pushed to the point of giving up on the greatest love she had ever experienced. The agony she felt out weighted the love she had. The desperation she must have felt was overwhelming her. This typically timid shy girl. That would have me call service providers, because she was too filled with social anxiety. She had enough. Enough to say goodbye and drive me away from her. Call it madness. Call it wrong. Call it what you will. I know her better. This took bravery. It took strength. She watched as I clung to my children crying at her to not get rid of me and to look at what she was doing to our family. Even on that day she could not look me in the eye and say she didn't love me. She did love me. Her mind couldn't give her a valid reason to get rid of me. She was in pain and was so desperate to relieve the pressure building in her chest. She had attempted everything she could think of to remove her aguish. The only option left was to remove me.
She didn't throw me out. She took a brave amazing step to find an end to her suffering. I know you read my blog and I want you to know that I know you. I understand now. Just how hard that was for you. I'm sorry my agony blinded me to see what was going on at that time. I should have used more empathy. My selfish pain consumed me. I want to thank you for being my best friend, the mother of our three insightfully brilliant children and my lover. It's not a surprise that our relationship ended with me lacking empathy once more. I look back on our time together and I know I rarely saw life from your point of view. I apologize for being so one sided. Thank you for everything. I will always love you even though we can never be together again. Thank you for my pain that created my vast depth of empathy and compassion. If you ever doubt your decision I want you to remember I would not be half the man I am today if you hadn't been my wife and if you hadn't pointed out that we were simply holding on to something incredible that was now gone. You will always be my first great love. I'd like to think in a different dimension we worked out and that those two are on their way to retiring on a beach in Tortola. Farewell my first love. I wish you all the best in this wondrous new adventure of self discovery.
I Love You All
Photo Credit: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RdWnIZQDVj4
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