16d 18h 52m Saved: $68.79
Cigarettes Not Smoked: 250 Gums & Teeth: 100%
Circulation: 19% Pulse Rate: 98%
I'm losing the battle. The reprogramming isn't working. I need to ramp back up. Kicking this habit is proving to be very difficult. I've recorded my mantra and I listen to it while I sleep, but I don't seem to be making a quick enough difference. I got my first check on my deal and I'm paying off a bunch of stuff. The odd thing is I have a tremendous amount of anxiety. I'm waking up in a panic and my head is hurting. I'm also finding myself quick to agitation with my boys.
It's a sad truth, but we are meanest to those we love including ourselves. I've been trying to figure out how to correct this. I know the reason we release our pain and fear in anger on those we love is because they won't or can't abandon us. How do we learn to show more respect to those we love? How do we learn to have the same amount of patience with our kids as we do friends and strangers? I had a moment with my oldest this morning. I asked him to eat instead of playing laptop. He simply looked at me and shook his head. He is commonly disrespectful to me and my other two boys are as well. They will completely ignore me or refuse to do what I ask. How do I get them to listen to me and yet maintain their independence? The shaking of his headset me off. Before I knew it I was screaming horrible things at him. It upsets me to get this way and it's only going to cause him to act the same towards those he loves. I took a walk to the store and bought a pack :( I know failed. On my way back I had an idea. I got home and asked my son if we could do what I called a take back meditation. We sat in the lotus position on the bed looking at each other with the singing bowl in between us. I placed my left hand face up in front of me with his hand resting on mine as I rested my right hand on his other. He felt so warm. The energy immediately switched to a calm sensation. My oldest has Aspergers and doesn't maintain eye contact. He did during this. I told him what I wanted to take back. That I didn't mean those horrible things and what I really felt about him. I then asked for forgiveness. He granted me forgiveness then he proceeded to do the same. As we spoke the energy between our hands became warmer and warmer. I watched as his pupils receded from their earlier fight or flight response. His eyes were so beautiful and his words so sincere. After I forgave him for what he wanted to take back I said "I trade my quickness to anger for compassion and understanding". I then sounded the singing bowl closed my eyes and took relaxing breaths until the singing bowl finished. My oldest then said "I trade my anger for happiness and calmness". He then sounded the bowl and we both closed our eyes and breathed until the singing bowl finished. When we opened our eyes we embraced each other. This was a beautiful moment and although I wish we had avoided the confrontation in the first place. I believe this was an amazing practice and I plan to do it anytime I need to take something back.
Before I let you go I wanted to share my facebook post on a gratitude site.
"I'm grateful for agony pushing me into euphoria. Acceptance of pain carving out a river of joy. Torture stretching my skin until it burst forth with understanding. I'm grateful the trillions upon trillions of electrons randomly built me and a world for me to be alive. I'm grateful I get to experience heartbreak, betrayal, bitterness, hate, and insidiousness, because I get to choose love, understanding, compassion, friendship and unity."
I love you all
Cigarettes Not Smoked: 250 Gums & Teeth: 100%
Circulation: 19% Pulse Rate: 98%
I'm losing the battle. The reprogramming isn't working. I need to ramp back up. Kicking this habit is proving to be very difficult. I've recorded my mantra and I listen to it while I sleep, but I don't seem to be making a quick enough difference. I got my first check on my deal and I'm paying off a bunch of stuff. The odd thing is I have a tremendous amount of anxiety. I'm waking up in a panic and my head is hurting. I'm also finding myself quick to agitation with my boys.
It's a sad truth, but we are meanest to those we love including ourselves. I've been trying to figure out how to correct this. I know the reason we release our pain and fear in anger on those we love is because they won't or can't abandon us. How do we learn to show more respect to those we love? How do we learn to have the same amount of patience with our kids as we do friends and strangers? I had a moment with my oldest this morning. I asked him to eat instead of playing laptop. He simply looked at me and shook his head. He is commonly disrespectful to me and my other two boys are as well. They will completely ignore me or refuse to do what I ask. How do I get them to listen to me and yet maintain their independence? The shaking of his headset me off. Before I knew it I was screaming horrible things at him. It upsets me to get this way and it's only going to cause him to act the same towards those he loves. I took a walk to the store and bought a pack :( I know failed. On my way back I had an idea. I got home and asked my son if we could do what I called a take back meditation. We sat in the lotus position on the bed looking at each other with the singing bowl in between us. I placed my left hand face up in front of me with his hand resting on mine as I rested my right hand on his other. He felt so warm. The energy immediately switched to a calm sensation. My oldest has Aspergers and doesn't maintain eye contact. He did during this. I told him what I wanted to take back. That I didn't mean those horrible things and what I really felt about him. I then asked for forgiveness. He granted me forgiveness then he proceeded to do the same. As we spoke the energy between our hands became warmer and warmer. I watched as his pupils receded from their earlier fight or flight response. His eyes were so beautiful and his words so sincere. After I forgave him for what he wanted to take back I said "I trade my quickness to anger for compassion and understanding". I then sounded the singing bowl closed my eyes and took relaxing breaths until the singing bowl finished. My oldest then said "I trade my anger for happiness and calmness". He then sounded the bowl and we both closed our eyes and breathed until the singing bowl finished. When we opened our eyes we embraced each other. This was a beautiful moment and although I wish we had avoided the confrontation in the first place. I believe this was an amazing practice and I plan to do it anytime I need to take something back.
Before I let you go I wanted to share my facebook post on a gratitude site.
"I'm grateful for agony pushing me into euphoria. Acceptance of pain carving out a river of joy. Torture stretching my skin until it burst forth with understanding. I'm grateful the trillions upon trillions of electrons randomly built me and a world for me to be alive. I'm grateful I get to experience heartbreak, betrayal, bitterness, hate, and insidiousness, because I get to choose love, understanding, compassion, friendship and unity."
I love you all
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