11d 21h 34m Saved: $59.74
Oxygen Levels: 90% Nicotine Expelled: 95%
Energy Level: 97% Love for Life: 2000%
My business deal seems to be working out. Now I'm just waiting for the number to become available then I'll get paid and be able to handle all these money problems. It's relieving to think that a week from now my world will be easier. The ordeal of waiting is reeking havoc on my body.My guttate psoriasis is spreading all over my beautiful body. I need to release the stress and get this treated. I'm becoming self-conscious. I've yet to fully appreciate my heart and body to completely give up smoking. I need to figure out the cost vs benefits scenario playing through my head when I think of smoking. I need to reprogram my brain to realize the true cost of this action. My conscious knows what it's doing to me. Alas, my subconscious still believes the benefit outweighs the cost. Why? I don't know. I have to figure out what benefit I receive from this filthy habit.
I've been considering this at length. I think back to what smoking meant to me before I started. I realize there are some amazing memories involving the smell of cigarettes. I recall hugging my brother who has passed and smelling smoke on him and on my other brother who I adore and love. That makes the smell have a positive memory. When someone tells me the smell bothers them my conscious mind agrees and says that I should stop and wash that disgusting smell from my body. The conflict is that my subconscious recalls the smell and associates it with the love I have for my brothers and the memory of them showing me love by holding me. My subconscious despises the person for calling my love of my brother's disgusting. Well, I think I just discovered one of the benefits. Now I have to go back to those memories, claim those moments and label something else besides the smell of smoke as the love for my brother's. I'll attempt that tonight.
Let's consider the taste of smoking now. When I concentrate on that I smile. Now that I'm thinking about it I know why. The first cigarette I had was at my best friend's house. He was the first person in my life that I considered cool and wanted to spend as much time as possible with me. He was the first person to show me that I was wanted. I also recall the taste of my former wife's mouth as we kissed and showed our love to each other. Those moments took my breath away and I guess they still do in a killing my lungs kind of way. We both smoked through our entire relationship. I loved her deeply and those moments are precious to me. The taste lingers in my mouth even now when I think back to all the amazing conversations her and I had. Damn!! I didn't realize just how amazing the memories I associate with the taste of smoke in my mouth were until this moment as I'm writing this. No wonder my subconscious doesn't want to give these up. There are too many moments to claim in this situation. I wonder what common thread I can find between all of these to release that association.
Now let's explore the high you receive from smoking. This one is easy and brings a mischievous smile to my face. Smoking was my way to separate myself from my parents. It was my way of claiming my independence. The times rubbing my face and feeling the high from the smoke with my brothers and friends hiding in the bushes near my childhood home. These were moments of making bad decisions and laughing in the face of society and conformity with some of the greatest people I've had the pleasure of knowing. I can still see our "evil smiles" from doing something bad. Shit, it still makes me smile.
There you go or there I go, those are the benefits my subconscious receives from smoking. It's the benefits of remembering better times. Positive moments throughout my life that bring joy to my heart. It's not a surprise that I often say I love cigarettes. It's funny that the sacrifice and cost of having these memories are giving up future moments with my children and times with a healthy heart. That if I could have these memories without smoking that I could have even better moments in the future. That I'm in essence shortchanging my future and present to hold on to the past. The answer is glaring me in the face. I think you can see it as well. the answer is that cigarettes didn't create those moments. I did!!! Those amazing moments don't belong to smoking they belong to me. I think I'm becoming better at this process because I'm going to claim all those moments right here right now. I'm laying claim to all of them and I'm labelling them as mine. After all, how can a leaf wrapped in a paper claim these moments? It's not even a living thing.
New Mantra Time!!!
"I love my body. My boys deserve to have a healthy Father. I honour my body & heart. I honour my boys & their future. I claim the love of my brothers. I claim the feeling of being wanted and loved. I claim my independence and unique persona. Nothing can control my emotions they are mine alone. I need to live as long as possible because my dreams are just that big."
I Love You All
Oxygen Levels: 90% Nicotine Expelled: 95%
Energy Level: 97% Love for Life: 2000%
My business deal seems to be working out. Now I'm just waiting for the number to become available then I'll get paid and be able to handle all these money problems. It's relieving to think that a week from now my world will be easier. The ordeal of waiting is reeking havoc on my body.My guttate psoriasis is spreading all over my beautiful body. I need to release the stress and get this treated. I'm becoming self-conscious. I've yet to fully appreciate my heart and body to completely give up smoking. I need to figure out the cost vs benefits scenario playing through my head when I think of smoking. I need to reprogram my brain to realize the true cost of this action. My conscious knows what it's doing to me. Alas, my subconscious still believes the benefit outweighs the cost. Why? I don't know. I have to figure out what benefit I receive from this filthy habit.
I've been considering this at length. I think back to what smoking meant to me before I started. I realize there are some amazing memories involving the smell of cigarettes. I recall hugging my brother who has passed and smelling smoke on him and on my other brother who I adore and love. That makes the smell have a positive memory. When someone tells me the smell bothers them my conscious mind agrees and says that I should stop and wash that disgusting smell from my body. The conflict is that my subconscious recalls the smell and associates it with the love I have for my brothers and the memory of them showing me love by holding me. My subconscious despises the person for calling my love of my brother's disgusting. Well, I think I just discovered one of the benefits. Now I have to go back to those memories, claim those moments and label something else besides the smell of smoke as the love for my brother's. I'll attempt that tonight.
Let's consider the taste of smoking now. When I concentrate on that I smile. Now that I'm thinking about it I know why. The first cigarette I had was at my best friend's house. He was the first person in my life that I considered cool and wanted to spend as much time as possible with me. He was the first person to show me that I was wanted. I also recall the taste of my former wife's mouth as we kissed and showed our love to each other. Those moments took my breath away and I guess they still do in a killing my lungs kind of way. We both smoked through our entire relationship. I loved her deeply and those moments are precious to me. The taste lingers in my mouth even now when I think back to all the amazing conversations her and I had. Damn!! I didn't realize just how amazing the memories I associate with the taste of smoke in my mouth were until this moment as I'm writing this. No wonder my subconscious doesn't want to give these up. There are too many moments to claim in this situation. I wonder what common thread I can find between all of these to release that association.
Now let's explore the high you receive from smoking. This one is easy and brings a mischievous smile to my face. Smoking was my way to separate myself from my parents. It was my way of claiming my independence. The times rubbing my face and feeling the high from the smoke with my brothers and friends hiding in the bushes near my childhood home. These were moments of making bad decisions and laughing in the face of society and conformity with some of the greatest people I've had the pleasure of knowing. I can still see our "evil smiles" from doing something bad. Shit, it still makes me smile.
There you go or there I go, those are the benefits my subconscious receives from smoking. It's the benefits of remembering better times. Positive moments throughout my life that bring joy to my heart. It's not a surprise that I often say I love cigarettes. It's funny that the sacrifice and cost of having these memories are giving up future moments with my children and times with a healthy heart. That if I could have these memories without smoking that I could have even better moments in the future. That I'm in essence shortchanging my future and present to hold on to the past. The answer is glaring me in the face. I think you can see it as well. the answer is that cigarettes didn't create those moments. I did!!! Those amazing moments don't belong to smoking they belong to me. I think I'm becoming better at this process because I'm going to claim all those moments right here right now. I'm laying claim to all of them and I'm labelling them as mine. After all, how can a leaf wrapped in a paper claim these moments? It's not even a living thing.
New Mantra Time!!!
"I love my body. My boys deserve to have a healthy Father. I honour my body & heart. I honour my boys & their future. I claim the love of my brothers. I claim the feeling of being wanted and loved. I claim my independence and unique persona. Nothing can control my emotions they are mine alone. I need to live as long as possible because my dreams are just that big."
I Love You All
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