10d 22h 39m Saved $54.72
Bad Breath: 100% Breathing: 97%
Pulse Rate: 86% Trails: 98%
I know, I'm suppose to be writing about yesterday, but today has been far too interesting.
I'm stuck in a intriguing conundrum of a thought process. I've been attempting to not let the world knock me down. I've told the universe that I'm focusing on my dreams and thus I am a rock in my convictions. That I can take on anything. Simply that I have no fucks left to give. The one catch here is I do have fucks left to give. Three to be more accurate. Those are my boys and I want to give them a simpler life. Where they can focus on their dreams and not the harsh realities of life. It seems that the universe has accepted my challenge. It feels as if something is trying to prove me wrong. That I still have a lesson I've yet to learn. That I have chosen the wrong path.
Yesterday was a mediocre day really nothing special to write about.
I awoke this morning to take my middle child, my heart, to school. When I went to get into the car I currently posses, thanks to my brother who let me borrow it until I get my own, it was gone. The vehicle was stolen last night. I filed the police report and informed my brother. I took this in stride and trusted that it was meant to happen. That in the realms of possibility that if I had the vehicle I could have been in an accident and lost my life or worse that I would have gotten in an accident and lost one of my children. One of my last fucks left to give. It could also be possible that the person who stole my car needed to do so in order to complete their journey. Maybe they needed to get somewhere important last night and that they had been saved or enlightened by getting to that location. It is also possible that they may feel so horrible for stealing the vehicle that they decide to change their ways and find love for themselves. These are the realities I have accepted and this is the way I claimed this moment and the moments of hardships that will come from not having this vehicle.
Anyway after coming to this realization and claiming this moment. I got a call from the guy that is purchasing my phone number and client list of my previous company. This purchase had given me tremendous faith in the universe. That everything will work out and that I was finally on my way to getting everything set straight. That life was about to become a lot easier. It was a bright light in my dimly lit world. Alas it is a strong possibility now that the deal will fall through. We are in the process of recapturing the phone number from the public pool. Long story short. I attempted to have the number ported to a personal line awhile ago and was unsuccessful due to a past due balance with the old provider. Back to the phone call. According to the contract I was to deliver this number into their possession on the 17th. This means the contract is now void and needs to be redone. The business partner is now having second thoughts and is attempting to kill the deal. We need to get an update on when we will have the number ready to transfer and then we will all meet together and try to save the deal and redo the contract. My provider and good friend is waiting for a response on the number. If this doesn't happen quickly the deal is dead.
If the deal dies I'm not sure what will become of me. I know a few things are for sure going to happen: I will lose my apartment, I won't have the money to claim bankruptcy, I won't have a vehicle for awhile, my former will have to temporarily take full custody, I won't be able to clear the warrants for not having my vehicle registered, I'll have to move to Moab, which means I will not be able to accept those two jobs I'm excited about, I'll have to put my kid raves on pause, I'll rarely get to see my boys and the woman I just met that makes me so happy, essentially I will have to put my dreams on hold and start again.
Here is the conundrum. Is my willingness to sacrifice and endure for my dreams causing the universe to test that? Will I continue to have to suffer and if so how long will I have to? If I do give up on my dreams would life get any easier? I believe I've now past the point of no return. I've jumped off the ledge and I'm falling through the air. I thought I had already hit the water and was simply waiting to resurface in order to take that breath of relief that it was finally over. Maybe I died on a rock below the surface or I got wedged between two stones and I've lost consciousness. Only one thing is for certain. I can continue to write. I can work on my poem book and my book about my childhood molestation and my trails over the last five years. Maybe that is what the universe is trying to tell me. I need to write to get these books finished. The issue is I can't support my children with that plan of action and I will spend much of my time alone and starving. I'm willing to suffer to do that for my books and my art, but I'm not willing to have my children suffer for it. This is my dream not theirs and they deserve better. Alas I have come to far and realized the truth far too late. My stress is born from the idea that my boys will suffer if this deal falls through. I've become an expert at suffering. Must my boys learn to suffer as well in order for me to achieve my dreams. Wouldn't that be selfish? Do I have a choice at this point? I would like to apologize to my heart, mind and soul. You three boys deserve far more than what I have to offer and I can't help to feel that I have failed you in such a horribly, profound way. Shit, fuck, damn it!!! Please oh please don't let this be the case. My boys have already been through so much with the divorce and fighting they have witnessed. Must they learn to not have their father to rely on. I know they could do it and in the long run they would be stronger because of it, but I don't want them to hate me and think of me as a failure. Must I give up the last three fucks I have to give?
As you can tell the universe is testing my resilience, my tenacity, my faith, my compassion and my sanity. I'm claiming this moment as well and I'm going to label it as the time everything told me to give up and give in to the harsh darkness of life. The time I stood firm and refused to clench my teeth and use anger. The time I kept my composer and the ideal that pain and love conquers hate and anger. I will prove to the universe that love is the only choice and that everything else is but and minor challenge. This is simply a moment in the life of a speck of dust on a speck of dust. This is the moment I call on my higher self. The self that lives in everything and is eternal. The self that loves everyone. The self that realizes death is not the ultimate sacrifice, but that to actually live is the ultimate sacrifice.
I love you all
Bad Breath: 100% Breathing: 97%
Pulse Rate: 86% Trails: 98%
I know, I'm suppose to be writing about yesterday, but today has been far too interesting.
I'm stuck in a intriguing conundrum of a thought process. I've been attempting to not let the world knock me down. I've told the universe that I'm focusing on my dreams and thus I am a rock in my convictions. That I can take on anything. Simply that I have no fucks left to give. The one catch here is I do have fucks left to give. Three to be more accurate. Those are my boys and I want to give them a simpler life. Where they can focus on their dreams and not the harsh realities of life. It seems that the universe has accepted my challenge. It feels as if something is trying to prove me wrong. That I still have a lesson I've yet to learn. That I have chosen the wrong path.
Yesterday was a mediocre day really nothing special to write about.
I awoke this morning to take my middle child, my heart, to school. When I went to get into the car I currently posses, thanks to my brother who let me borrow it until I get my own, it was gone. The vehicle was stolen last night. I filed the police report and informed my brother. I took this in stride and trusted that it was meant to happen. That in the realms of possibility that if I had the vehicle I could have been in an accident and lost my life or worse that I would have gotten in an accident and lost one of my children. One of my last fucks left to give. It could also be possible that the person who stole my car needed to do so in order to complete their journey. Maybe they needed to get somewhere important last night and that they had been saved or enlightened by getting to that location. It is also possible that they may feel so horrible for stealing the vehicle that they decide to change their ways and find love for themselves. These are the realities I have accepted and this is the way I claimed this moment and the moments of hardships that will come from not having this vehicle.
Anyway after coming to this realization and claiming this moment. I got a call from the guy that is purchasing my phone number and client list of my previous company. This purchase had given me tremendous faith in the universe. That everything will work out and that I was finally on my way to getting everything set straight. That life was about to become a lot easier. It was a bright light in my dimly lit world. Alas it is a strong possibility now that the deal will fall through. We are in the process of recapturing the phone number from the public pool. Long story short. I attempted to have the number ported to a personal line awhile ago and was unsuccessful due to a past due balance with the old provider. Back to the phone call. According to the contract I was to deliver this number into their possession on the 17th. This means the contract is now void and needs to be redone. The business partner is now having second thoughts and is attempting to kill the deal. We need to get an update on when we will have the number ready to transfer and then we will all meet together and try to save the deal and redo the contract. My provider and good friend is waiting for a response on the number. If this doesn't happen quickly the deal is dead.
If the deal dies I'm not sure what will become of me. I know a few things are for sure going to happen: I will lose my apartment, I won't have the money to claim bankruptcy, I won't have a vehicle for awhile, my former will have to temporarily take full custody, I won't be able to clear the warrants for not having my vehicle registered, I'll have to move to Moab, which means I will not be able to accept those two jobs I'm excited about, I'll have to put my kid raves on pause, I'll rarely get to see my boys and the woman I just met that makes me so happy, essentially I will have to put my dreams on hold and start again.
Here is the conundrum. Is my willingness to sacrifice and endure for my dreams causing the universe to test that? Will I continue to have to suffer and if so how long will I have to? If I do give up on my dreams would life get any easier? I believe I've now past the point of no return. I've jumped off the ledge and I'm falling through the air. I thought I had already hit the water and was simply waiting to resurface in order to take that breath of relief that it was finally over. Maybe I died on a rock below the surface or I got wedged between two stones and I've lost consciousness. Only one thing is for certain. I can continue to write. I can work on my poem book and my book about my childhood molestation and my trails over the last five years. Maybe that is what the universe is trying to tell me. I need to write to get these books finished. The issue is I can't support my children with that plan of action and I will spend much of my time alone and starving. I'm willing to suffer to do that for my books and my art, but I'm not willing to have my children suffer for it. This is my dream not theirs and they deserve better. Alas I have come to far and realized the truth far too late. My stress is born from the idea that my boys will suffer if this deal falls through. I've become an expert at suffering. Must my boys learn to suffer as well in order for me to achieve my dreams. Wouldn't that be selfish? Do I have a choice at this point? I would like to apologize to my heart, mind and soul. You three boys deserve far more than what I have to offer and I can't help to feel that I have failed you in such a horribly, profound way. Shit, fuck, damn it!!! Please oh please don't let this be the case. My boys have already been through so much with the divorce and fighting they have witnessed. Must they learn to not have their father to rely on. I know they could do it and in the long run they would be stronger because of it, but I don't want them to hate me and think of me as a failure. Must I give up the last three fucks I have to give?
As you can tell the universe is testing my resilience, my tenacity, my faith, my compassion and my sanity. I'm claiming this moment as well and I'm going to label it as the time everything told me to give up and give in to the harsh darkness of life. The time I stood firm and refused to clench my teeth and use anger. The time I kept my composer and the ideal that pain and love conquers hate and anger. I will prove to the universe that love is the only choice and that everything else is but and minor challenge. This is simply a moment in the life of a speck of dust on a speck of dust. This is the moment I call on my higher self. The self that lives in everything and is eternal. The self that loves everyone. The self that realizes death is not the ultimate sacrifice, but that to actually live is the ultimate sacrifice.
I love you all
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