Quitting Day 1

20h 28m 1s, Saved $5.51

O2:100%, Carbon Monoxide: 79%

Nicotine Expelled: 49%

"I am not a smoker, I am not a smoker, I am not a smoker"

I repeated these words over and over again as the guy next to me in the black racer Subaru was blowing out the nasty sweet perfume of smoke into the air. Watching in jealousy of his ignorance and weakness that I was recently intimately involved with. I was exhausted by the battle raging in my body and mind. Mindful breathing techniques were useless, my body becoming tense and sweaty. I watched as the amber on the end of his cigarette grow brighter and brighter. He pulled the filter from his mouth. With his lips slightly open he breaths in and then releases a puff of white smoke into the air. Oh how I miss that satisfying moment, the burning taste in my throat. The slow death of my lungs being suffocated by black tar and flem. I use to want to die, subconsciously of course. I hated myself. I wasn't proud of myself and could never match the idea of what a good person was inside my mind. A good person wouldn't lust over a woman the way I do. Wouldn't wonder how she must look in black lace. What the look on her face would be as I caressed her body gripping her lower back as she thrusted her pelvis toward me in eagerness. What she sounded like as I kissed and tongued her neck and earlobe. Even now I feel shame for my thoughts. I understand better now that we all have these thoughts. That it's perfectly natural to desire the flesh and the feel of flesh against your own. I apologize I went on a tangent there. Although a sexy tangent and a great distraction from the poison I desired, back to the battle raging inside me. "I am not a smoker, I am not a smoker, I am not a smoker, Okay, I’ll light up this halfie in my ashtray. It's okay it's not a full one" The satisfy click and dancing flame of the lighter turning paper black and instantly into a red hue and ash. I pull you into my lungs. Even as the shame fills my mind, my body rejoices for the fix. My muscles relax. "Oh, damn it I need to get rid of all the butts inside this ashtray. Well another halfie won't hurt anything". Click a rush of the flame pulled into the end of a nasty tasting half burned white paper filled with dried leafs. "I am not a smoker, I am not a smoker, I am not a smoker, I'm so weak, but I will conquer this".