#Me Too

Post after post simply stating "Me Too". It's staggering and disheartening just how many people have suffered through sexual assault, harassment, and abuse. This doesn't even begin to explain the depths of this monstrous chain.  This dirty filthy snake that has weaved its way into the fabric of our world through our ancestral silence. Many are still suffering in silence and many have blocked the memory so well that they don't remember. 

I was abused, tortured, raped, drugged and devalued.  The brutality of my story caused my mind to block the memories for 25 years. I know this sounds crazy. Those horrible things can happen and you could block them out. The best way to explain it is watching what the nervous system does with extreme physical pain. Eventual it will block the receptors. Mental anguish is the same. You may think this is good, but the emotional self-doesn't forget. The wiring inside the brain creating boundaries gets destroyed or hazy. You are pushed into a realm of shame, depression, anxiety and constant fight or flight. On top of that, you have no idea why. I'm happy my brain did this. It allowed me to survive, but the cost of survival was heavy. 

The heaviest cost of all was repeating these actions and sexually abusing a young girl when I was 13-15 years old. I carried an even deeper shame for this. I could never explain why I did what I did, so the only explanation I had was that I was a horrible human being. Shame and guilt were effective in getting me to never repeat again. For that, I am grateful to those emotions. The explanation for my inexcusable actions would go unknown for two decades. 

Eventual the mind decides it's strong enough to face the demons laying within your past. The dark beasts snarling and gnashing their teeth with eyes of fire. The road back to living and fully experiencing life is long and filled with self-doubt, possible insanity, and extreme pain. All I can say is that it is worth it. Once you start you begin to see the power within yourself. You start to like the person you are and eventually, you love the person you are. You will come so far down the exhausting trail and you will grow a thankfulness for the journey and what it has provided for you. The compassion and forgiveness for others allow you to love them all. Even the ones that hurt you and defiled you in the first place. This love and compassion starts within and overflows out to others. 

I say do not fear the journey. Take the first step into discovering the truth about your past. You will ultimately find love. Speak up about your pains. You see the reason this snake has become so strong and so entrenched in our lives and society is because of silence. Those suffering have become isolated and alone. Those who suffered the worst have often times repeated and continued to feed the snake new victims for its feast. Breaking the silence will break the chain and will make a better future for our children and their children. Let's stop numbing and sedating our emotions. Let's finally live and exist. From the wise words of my deceased father, "I never said the road home would be easy, I only said it would be glorious". 

I Love You All 

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My God

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My God

That mother starving while working overtime.

God is the strength in her that says dream.

The orphan child all skin and bones.

God is the power inside him saying hope.

The child beaten by her parents and raped by her uncle daily. 

God is the voice in her that says survive. 

The political prisoner in a moist dark two by two cell.

God is the light of his memories that brings joy.

The homeless mentally ill addict. 

God is her drive to not give up and hold on.

The soldier dying in a hospital in a foreign land missing his three children.

God is the endurance he has to see his kids grow.

It's that spark inside you when all seems lost that says you are worth holding on to. 

You have a greater purpose don't go into the darkness.

God is the strength to endure and survive your suffering 
and hold to your improbable dream.

That light inside you can't see.

When you lay lonely in bed crying for the pain to end.

When every day seems pointless and hopeless. 

God is the shaking of your hand and the voice that tells you not to pull the trigger.

My infinite God is you. 

The endurance in you. 

The faith you have to live on.

The light when it's dark.

Everyone can raise a fist

Fight scream and kill. 

I want the God in you

that endures and suffers from your compassion.

I want the God in you that says we are all one and worthy of love. 

God is that love inside.

The love you have for you. 

Once you find it you'll love everyone.

Once Forgotten

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Once Forgotten

I play for keeps
My greatness was forged in
and will remain in darkness

The moments of triumph and sacrifice
are self-made and self-evident
To wither away with my flesh

To be forgotten and released from your thoughts and hopes
is my only wish
In the end to stand alone and be selfish

That with my last breath I will be forgotten
Not rejoiced, not mourned over
To leave this world as I entered it, unknown

Your strings cut and gone
My thoughts clear unclouded
I’m finally coming home
Hello loneliness, hello eternal solitude

Quitting Day 167 (Your Neighbor's Dry Nasty Taco)

5m 17d 19h

I've been lost in thought lately. I feel as if I've gone down a rabbit hole and lost my bearings on directions. My dreams are slowly slipping away. My hopes the driftwood I cling to in order to keep my nose above the murky cold waters below. I realize if I simply let go the rocks below will hold me high enough to breathe. I'm just too afraid to let go! My eyes begin to release the salty pain inside my spirit and heart. Here is the thing no matter what I do, where I go, what I say to myself or successes I have my desire to die will always creep into my thoughts. I've made death my roommate and he's comfortable and refuses to leave.

Many reach out to me and ask how I stay so positive in this reality we live in. They adorn me with their admiration and praise. They attempt to obtain the secrets I keep inside me that propel this machine of blood, flesh, and fluid forward into the unknown future. They want to know where this smile on my face comes from. My answer is, I'm not positive, actually the opposite. I fight depression more often than I don't. The hardest part of each day is getting out of bed. I set a simple goal. Get up and get dressed. That's all. I accomplish my goal every day and by doing that I'm allowed to let the universe take me where it may. On a universal scale, I am insignificant. I do not attempt to stay off my negative emotions for I understand that they mean very little.

These trivial emotions are only meant for me. To focus on, to analyze and to take within to feed my compassion and understanding. Without these negative emotions, I would fall into a deep numbing comfort. I would take risks to feel alive. I may cut my flesh to feel alive. I may get in fights so others would inflict a welcomed pain that would remind me I'm alive. I may consume drugs that damage my relationships and crush my ambitions to silence the pain screaming and wailing inside of me. A pain that is only asking to be recognized and accepted.

I keep talking although another has already said it best:

On Pain

 Kahlil Gibran

Your pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding.

Even as the stone of the fruit must break, that its heart may stand in the sun, 

so must you know pain. And could you keep your heart in wonder at the daily miracles of your life,

 your pain would not seem less wondrous than your joy;

And you would accept the seasons of your heart, 

even as you have always accepted the seasons that pass over your fields.

And you would watch with serenity through the winters of your grief.

Much of your pain is self-chosen.

It is the bitter potion by which the physician within you heals your sick self.

Therefore trust the physician, and drink his remedy in silence and tranquillity:

For his hand, though heavy and hard, is guided by the tender hand of the Unseen,

And the cup he brings, though it burn your lips, has been fashioned of the clay which the Potter has moistened with His own sacred tears.   

You must understand that although you are insignificant the entire universe was created for you to exist. For you to taste that sweet milky coffee the cow had to be born. The bean plants and sugar cane needed to be bathed with water and kissed by the sun. The soil created over centuries was created to feed these plants nutrients. Generations of people gave birth to the person that picked those beans, that cut that sugar cane, that milked that cow. Those billions of people needed to be feed in order to give birth to all those involved in the processes to bring you coffee, milk, and sugar. The universe exploded into complexity over billions of years to give birth to the sun that created the food to feed those countless numbers of ancestors. Your ancestors had to swallow their fears and ask others to dance with them in order for you to be here to taste this sweet, milky coffee. You see it was all created for you. Every single moment is a perfect culmination of infinite complexity. Now think how grateful you are to have that sweet, milky coffee dance on your tongue that was created through billions of years of evolution or that was crafted by the hand of a loving God.

I want you to pause now and replace sweet, milky coffee with agony. Yes, the universe fell into place or was designed perfectly for you to feel that pain and you are simply going to toss it into the trash? You are not grateful for the hard work of billions upon billions of organisms that sacrificed and gave their lives for you to feel pain? The pain that was designed for you to heal and become compassionate? The suffering that was meant for you to take within your mind and accept? Instead, you are going to spew that pain out at everyone around you? To do this would make you a knowledgeable adult that acts as a child and spits the dinner, your friend slaved over, out of your mouth and onto the floor. This suffering was designed for you alone to heal and create happiness, but remember this pain is nothing on a universal scale so you can handle it, I'm sure. You can gulp down hard and force that bite into your throat.

You now know my secret. I hope it helps you to gain compassion while you accept your pain and thank God or the Universe for that nasty dish that fuels your heart to love everyone you may know. Let this life grant you understanding that you do not suffer alone. That we all suffer. We do understand, but at the same time, we will never understand completely. 

I Love You All

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You & I

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You & I

While I'm many miles away

In my heart is where you'll stay

Focus on your skin

Imagine the cells within

Calculate the molecules if you can

This is how you'll understand 

For I will hug you that many times

Before I let go no matter the cries 

Now think real hard of the vast ocean

It's depths represent my devotion

Count the trees upon this Earth 

Each with leaves they give birth

Each single one for a mile I'd travel

My feet worn and bleeding pounding the gravel

Now witness the clouds overhead

There droplets the number of times I'll take you to bed

Now it grows dark witness the sky

This one here may make you cry

For count the stars even the ones you don't see

This is how many times I'll say I love you and me

Quitting Day 162 (PLUR Life)

5m 12d 22h

PLUR (Peace, Love, Unity, Respect) originated from a  speech by New York's DJ Frankie Bones. The principle is simple and all-encompassing. We need not look further to understand how to get along with our fellow man. The PLUR movement quickly spread through the rave culture and persists in the EDM (Electric Dance Music) culture of today. My own personal journey through PLUR began a year ago at a music festival in Utah called DAS Energi. I would not be the same compassionate, unconditionally loving person I am today without this journey.

I was in a dark state searching for a light. My emotional and mental state was unstable at best. I was on the line between life and death. The desire to die only resisted, because I have three children that I was given the honor of protecting and raising. Their need for me prevented me from slipping into darkness and extinguishing my own light. PLUR gave me the desire to be alive. To live in a moment and allow life's hardships to pass through. It gave me insight to what the greatest that have lived have spoken of. That we are not alive in our past or in our future. That we are only truly alive right here right now. What that means is that the only thing that truly matters is the next second and those that are currently within sight.

We must use love with all those we come in contact with. If we are able to love everyone then we can fully love ourselves, because what we see in them is our perception or projection. We can never fully understand another, no matter the amount of time we spend with them. Even twin brothers raised in the same family have completely different lives. Simply put to love everyone is to love yourself unconditionally. Use love to reach across our differences and embrace those that you feel the desire to hate. Look past their anger and witness their fear and pain. Compassion is the child born from love.

To achieve love for everyone one simply needs to employ unity and respect. We must respect another's wishes and dreams. That their journey such as ours is theirs and they are on the correct path for them. It may vary vastly from what we consider right and correct. We respect that journey and their choices. Unite in your similarities which may only be that you are human and exist. While we respect their journey we must also respect our own and if that includes removing them from our lives in order to continue our journey we must. You can love, respect and be united with those individuals from a distance. This can often be the hardest lesson to learn. Sometimes those we love most are detrimental to our journey or to the journeys of others in our circle. We must listen closely to our own desires and dreams. Follow and trust your instincts, but just because someone is not beneficial for your journey, does not mean that they are not for another. They may be destined to teach lessons while they learn their lesson. We must not attempt to influence other's opinions of another. If we require other's to take a side that simply means we are not trusting our own decision. Also, to take a side would be against unity.

Following the principles of Love, Respect and Unity will lead to Peace. First, it will be peace within and peace of mind with the world around us. At that time you will become a beacon of peace and other's will naturally be drawn to join you. PLUR starts from within and spreads out. Such as an invading force it can not be forced upon anyone and if one attempts to enforce any of these principles then all of the principles are lost. Anything forced will be rejected and will ultimately have the opposite effect.

Please go forth into the next second and ask yourself am I being PLUR?

I Love You All

Quitting Day 154 (Then There Was You)

5m 4d 18h

My last 5-6 years has been horribly painfully wondrously enlightening, to say the least. Yesterday I saw a memory reminder from 5 years ago. It was a photo of my former wife and me when we visited New York. When we separated on our 17th-year anniversary in March of 2016 I was struck out of left field. I guess the easiest way to explain it was I was happily married a year and a half ago. I thought that I would never find a love like I had for her. It was impossible. the love was too deep, too intense. I had conceded to an epic search to find it once again. I had become comfortable with the idea that I may be alone while I grew old withered away and faded into darkness. Through this journey, I had found a love that was brighter and even more powerful. I had found a love for the most important person. I had found love for me.

I never gave up on the search for a partner with whom I could share my loving heart. I vowed to continue the search no matter the distance and no matter the obstacles. I have never really been one to be lucky when it came to gambling, games or even work. When it comes to love I have had extreme luck. My first love was a sweet girl when I was only 13. We were so attached and although it didn't last all that long it was intense. We would often be found hiding somewhere in the theater we were both acting at making out. We couldn't keep our hands off each other. With time and distance that faded as young sparks often do. My next great love starts shortly after I turned 18. This would last 17 years, almost half of my life. We grew together. We faced tidal waves and hurricanes together. Everything that was thrown at us only made us stronger. We were rarely found apart. I think back to it now and realize that most people that met me during that period only new me with her by my side. My love for her was vast and all encompassing. She was my world and it was the most beautiful world I had ever seen and at times, very few mind you, it was also the most painful feelings I had ever felt. We had become one and no one will ever understand me that way that she does, simply because she was there. I will never understand another the way I do her either.

So here I am shattered by my separation. Finally alive due to pure agony. Enjoying the journey. Loving everyone I came into contact with. Satisfied with the idea that I would not find another great love in this life time, but happy that I had found love within that could never be taken from me. Then she came along. It didn't start out as that bolt of lightening you hear about in the movies. Where boy meets girl and they instantly fall in love. It was more subtle. She was steady, compassionate, shy and secretly talented and brilliant. Like an artichoke, she becomes more delicious and soft as the layers were peeled away. We actually both started out not wanting to be in a relationship. We were just having fun and wanted to be in one another's company.  When we defined the relationship I had noticed that she and I were both holding back. This was due to my heart now taking more timid steps after such a great fall and I'm assuming her heart giving up on the idea that real love exists.

I'm staring into her beautiful blue eyes completely wrapped up in the moment and I say to her "Fuck it, let's give it a try. I'd like to be monogamous". Afterall I had survived a great love I could survive anything. She said to me "Can I think about it". I laughed and said, of course, you can. Hours later as we laid in each other's arms she looked me dead in the eye piercing my spirit with her thoughts and simply said yes. I will never forget that moment. I can still see her face now. Here we go, my third great love has started.

Fast-forward 4 months later. We are living together. Our kids now intertwined. We are of a Brady Bunch size. We moved forward so quickly, so suddenly. Almost as if we both went to sleep and woke up to a dream. Of course, we have our moments of doubt. Can I trust him with my heart? Will she betray me? Is this going to last? The lessons of the past make us weary. I will say this. This is not the same kind of love I had with my former. It is better, stronger and steadier. I have never had someone in my life that had a greater vision of me than myself. She sees greatness within me and this causes a rift. She wants me to continue doing what I'm doing, but also she grows jealous at times of the fact that I can be child like and she has the burden of being the adult. The short term budget is stressful and she is bearing that weight. I'm an expert at juggling zero and conservative budget minded people have a difficult time staying with me on that roller coaster ride. I crave instability and chaos. I find it beautiful and inspiring. Those that crave stability and comfort may not be able to handle this side of me.

Here is what I have to say about that. I alone am not great, just stale water sitting in a pool gathering dust and becoming murky. She without me becomes barren and boring. A flat land that is desolate and lifeless. We are the yin and yang. I'm water, she is the rock. At times forces may crash us against one another. She longs for my cooling embrace and I long for her ability to hold me in place as the sun lifts me into the air. Together we create beauty that lasts and all can enjoy. I carve out canyons in her soul with my tears that feed the beautiful seeds that lay within her. This is nothing like my last love because we had been one. With my new greatest love, we can create happiness in many, because we hold keys that the other does not. We will cause each other stress and the force of my waves may break her completely. When she is burning and all her dreams are becoming ash above her out of her reach my tears will fall to soothe her. She will catch me and hold me when I am moving too fast or endlessly falling through the cold winds. She holds me allowing me to flow gently and softly over the obstacles that we face. She is my support, my rock, my greatest love. My only wish is that I don't drown her in the depth of my ocean and that her quakes don't push her up to heights above my reach.

I Love You All